I had been looking forward to this Friday and Saturday for a year. It was the IF:Gathering. Last year was the first year of the IF:Gathering, and noone really knew what it was about; I was curious and watched it on my computer. There were several Godly women teaching and sharing their stories. Leslie and I were both really excited about it. I suggested we get some women together and watch it the next year. She is an even bigger dreamer and arranged for a hundred women to watch it together at Willow Creek church. Leslie is awesome ;)

Anyway, on Tuesday, Brendan came down with the vomits. On Wednesday it hit Rori, and Thursday it hit Liam. I could NOT miss IF!!! I prayed, I Lysoled, and I refused to kiss Bill because he could be a carrier. I told him that I could kiss him all he wanted on Saturday night, but not until then. God, in His mercy, spared me (for now) and I was able to go. 

Oh my goodness, what an amazing, incredible, energizing, exhausting, uplifting experience. I played hookey from church today to decompress. I am an introvert, so spending the last two days as an extrovert took all of my energy. The thought of being around more people--even if they are wonderful Godly people, just makes me want to hide in my bed or rock in the corner. So Bill took the kids to church and I was able to sit and re-watch some of the speakers from the weekend. 

I came away with some amazing thoughts. I still have no idea where God wants me to be, but I know that it's ok to figure out my interests, pursue them, and see if I am good at them. What is important is that I take steps and move forward. I have always been very vocal that I am happy with the status quo. I don't like change. It terrifies me. But, what terrifies me more, is the thought of going to Heaven and God showing me a slide show of what I missed because I didn't take that first step out in faith--that I was scared and stayed in the past and refused to move into new seasons of life. 

I think the reason that I enjoy the past is because I am scared of the future, scared that my gifts aren't big enough. That they don't do enough for the Kingdom. Angie Smith taught me that it's ok if my talents aren't the same as my mom, Jenna, Leslie, Laura, Liza, Ruth, Yvonne, Sonja, or any of the other amazing women with a heart for Jesus that I know. It's ok if I am not the leader, the visionary, the dreamer. I can be just a cheerleader. I can be just an encourager. And that is enough. 

Lynn Hybels shared that what is important is that Rori sees me doing what God put in my heart. That I find out what is mine to do for the Kingdom, not what belongs to someone else. I need to give her permission to find what is hers and encourage her to walk her path. And frankly, I think it's important for me to show my boys as well. They will be able to encourage their wives to follow God's path for their lives as well.  

If you have time today (they are only going to be posted through today), I encourage you to check out some of the speakers--I highly recommend Jen Hatmaker, Christine Caine, Angie Smith, and Lynn Hybels. Be encouraged, 

Joshua 1:9  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

My secret flaw

I am getting this post in under the wire for my one post a week resolution. I believe that I did give a disclaimer that I stink at resolutions, but one would hope I could make it until at least February before I fail. Last year I joined a book club...well sort of...I have only read 3 of the books and there's one each month. So...par for the course for me. In this book club, I have learned that I am alone in something that I do. I thought everyone does this. But I was wrong.

I am here to confess...I read the end of books. I read the end of books shortly after reading the beginning, and before I have read the middle. Apparently everyone else reads the beginning, middle, and then the end. I HAVE to find out what happens, I CAN'T wait. It could be DAYS before I finish and who can wait that long to find out who dunnit, or who dies, or if they get together? I have ALWAYS been like this, and it's not just books. I do it with movies and television shows. I don't think I told Bill this, but the series finale of Burn Notice was on while he was playing basketball. We agreed we would watch it together when he got home. However, I heard that a main character was going to die. There was no way that I could sit through the whole finale and be worried about my beloved characters. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I would be stressed out the whole time. So, I fast-forwarded through the episode until I found out who died. Then I was able to relax and enjoy watching it with Bill. I also just did this with the series finale of White Collar. We have like 6 episodes on the DVR, but the finale was on TV the other day...just the end...and I watched it...I had to know and it was RIGHT THERE in front of me. Sometimes, when there is a movie out, that looks to be particularly suspenseful, I google the ending so that I can be prepared. Phew. This feels good to get off my chest.

The first book we read for book club, I was able to get on my Kindle. I distinctly remember telling Bill that reading on a Kindle made it much harder to skip to the end. He said he was glad because he hates that I have no willpower. I resolved to read the book in the order the author intended. A day later, I explained to him that while it's harder to skip to the end, it turns out, it's not impossible. sigh. fail. The girls in my Book Club were horrified. Fortunately they like me anyway and did not kick me out. So we can still be friends, right?

Stepping Out in Faith

When I started this blog, 6 years ago, I wanted to deal with the stillbirth of our daughter. I had just started reading Angie Smith's blog about the loss of her baby, and Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter, Maria, had just died. I saw how healing writing out your feelings can be. My blog has been a blessing to me as I have worked out these feelings, and I am thankful for it. However, it has morphed into much more--stories about my family, stories about our friends, and stories about my joys and struggles with mommy-hood. Today, our Faith would be 11 years old. So, in honor of her birthday, I am unrolling a new look for my blog, as well as a new title "Stepping Out in Faith". It will still have the same URL www.morethanihopedfor.com because for now, that's just easier, and I like easier.

I stink at making New Year's resolutions--just ask me about the one where I was going to learn to start saying "no" to stuff...avoidance and hiding have been better, albeit less healthy, techniques I have implemented. However, this year is about being brave. I love to write, but I have been held back by fear. I am terrified of failure. I have feared that I have nothing to say, nobody will understand what I am saying, and noone will read it. But, this year, I have learned that I have a lot to say, friends have been incredibly encouraging, and the people that I love read it, so that's enough for me...for now. So, as long as God gives me words, I am going to write them. And I am going to set the a goal of writing one post per week. I know, a WHOLE post EVERY week. I am sure you're thinking, "can she really do that?" I assure you, I will fail at it. But I figured if I set the bar pretty low, I will succeed more than I will fail, so, there you go. .

So, here is to a New Year filled with Bravery (15 days late, but that's how I ALWAYS roll)!

My Samantha Doll

There are some things in my life that I feel are sacred and so I don't write about them. I don't want to put them out there, lest they be trampled or just not understood in the way that I want. I worry that I won't do it justice. My dad's awful heart surgery a few years ago was one of those things. My American Girl doll is also one of those things. I wanted to keep it to myself--within my immediate family, who gets it, who gets how special it was. But, I have decided I am going to try.

I have written about how I wanted a Samantha doll since I was 7 or 8 years old. I would pour over the catalogs and read about all of the extra things you could get to go with your doll. I had all of the dolls, their stories, and their accessories memorized. When I had Rori, I hoped that someday she would want an American Girl doll and maybe I would get her a Samantha one. But then...they discontinued Samantha!!! I assumed that was it for me and my Samantha dream. A year ago, I got wind that she was coming back!! I was nerdily excited! I came home and told everyone--strangely, nobody's excitement level matched mine. She finally arrived in stores this October. I really wanted to get one, but Rori had enough American Girl dolls, so I knew it would be silly to get her one just because I had wanted Samantha.

On Christmas, I had one gift from my parents. I opened it and it was a doll outfit from the Target version of American Girl. My mom played it off as though she accidentally wrapped Rori's present with my name. She had my dad run out to the car to get my gift. I had a feeling...when my dad came in carrying a bag with a long wrapped box in it, I started to cry. Then, my mom, through tears of her own, said "I am sorry it's so late" and then the ugly cry started (not hers, mine). My heart was so full, I thought it would burst as I tore through the paper and saw my very own Samantha doll. My mom is not a frivolous person, she doesn't go throwing money around willy nilly, so I know how much it meant for her to be able to give me my doll, and it meant the world to me.

Unbeknownst to me, my mom had bought the doll back in October, but didn't know what she was going to do with it. She didn't know if it would be appropriate to give to me, or if I would think it was silly since I am slightly out of the American Girl target demographic. She thought about giving her to Rori, but it wouldn't have the same meaning. Then she read my blog post about my dad and I going to American Girl, and she knew she should give her to me. And this was the second greatest gift I have ever received (you know, behind Jesus ;) ).

My dad

I try not to brag about what I have, but please indulge me this one time. I have the greatest dad on earth. Growing up, we didn't have a lot of money--we weren't wanting for anything, but we didn't have a lot of indulgences. I didn't have "Guess" jeans, Cable tv, and I never got an American Girl Doll. When I was little, there were only three choices--Samantha, Kirsten, and Molly. I wanted Samantha. I never complained about not getting one, I understood they were very expensive. I joke now, that I was scarred by it, but I really wasn't. It was ok. You know why not having those things was ok? Because of my parents. My mom is awesome too, but I'll write about her later (poor moms, we always get shafted--do our work in the shadows).

My dad is awesome. I have many incredible memories of him, but something that I can really say, is that his love and time spent with me stayed a constant over time. Even though he worked full time, I think I can count on one hand how many of my tennis matches he missed during my four years of high school. He was always there, cheering me on, coaching me, encouraging me.

In college, my dad traded territories with another co-worker so that he could have Grand Rapids. He would come and visit me. He would take me to dinner, we'd go grocery shopping, turn in our aluminum cans (you get 10 cents a can in GR--paid for my books in college!), and then we'd go hang out at his hotel room and I got to watch Nick at Nite--we had very few channels on our college tvs, so this was a luxury. My roommates would often comment on how lucky I was to have a dad like that. But, it's all I had ever known.

Today, my dad was going to drive me to the American Girl store in Chicago so that I could pick up some things that my mom, sister, and I were going to get our girls for Christmas. He was going to take a day off of work just to drive Brendan and me to the city, and while I shopped at American Girl, he was going to entertain Brendan at the Lego store. We ended up not needing to go (the lady on the phone at AG was so helpful that I was able to just order what we needed), but honestly, I am a little bummed. I joked that I was going to pretend I was 8 and my dad was taking me to American Girl since we couldn't do that when I was 8 (and actually I'm not certain the store was in Chicago back then--good Lord, I'm getting old).

He chose the theme from the Princess Bride for our dance

It wasn't until I was an adult that I've really learned that not all dads are like mine. I know why it's so easy for me to love and trust my Heavenly Father. It's because He has given me such a wonderful earthly father. And for that I am so blessed--more than if I had a hundred Samantha dolls.

And I became a hot mess

Tour of my living room

This year I have grown up, in many ways. I am not going to go into the deep and meaningful ways right now--I'll save that for another time :) When Bill and I got married, we were blessed with a lot of hand me downs. We were really young, finances were tight, so these gifts were much appreciated. However, as time went on, I learned that my taste was different and I kind of hated the colors of my living room. It was pure laziness and obnoxious frugality that had prevented me from changing it over the years. This spring, I painted over our forest green walls with a gorgeous grey color.

This is the best picture I could find. Note the lamps--egad! and the color of the chair and the coffee table wasn't my style either.

We weren't sure what to do with the mauve/rose colored chairs. They are really good quality chairs, so we got them re-upholstered in a neutral taupe color. Then I got to pick my accent colors. I am obsessed with aqua! Bill and his dad built me a bench for our entry way that opens up and has 5 cubbies for the kids' backpacks and I painted it a happy shade of aqua. 

I don't know why I waited so long to be a grown up, but I am so glad I did. I love to sit in the living room and drink my coffee in the quiet of the morning. 

I'm not done with the wreath--I didn't have enough berries, but shocker, Brendan isn't up for going to JoAnn's until after he has lunch.

I love my woodland animals--Bill made fun of me for bringing the reindeer home, the next day he came home w/ the polar bear and fox

Love the picture from my mom of the kids acting out the nativity scene. 

So there you have it! I just have to get new curtains for the dining room, re-cover the dining room chairs and then I'll post pictures of it. I did get the most lovely light fixture that I'm excited to post!

Fear and Grace

My whole life I have struggled with fear. As a child, and honestly through most of my adulthood, I have been afraid of not fitting in, of being made fun of, of people not liking me. I care what people think.

Ever since losing our baby, Faith, my fear has turned into a sometimes crippling anxiety. I know that things don't always turn out the way we want. I know bad things happen in an instant. I know that life is incredibly fragile. Worst of all, I know that I have no control over any of it. Recently, I feel as if this burden of anxiety has lessened. The weight on my shoulders has been lifted.

I'm going to be honest. I think there are a couple of things that have led to my current state of being slightly less neurotic. I saw the doctor a month or so ago. He gave me a prescription to help my anxiety. I initially felt funny about taking it--but the fact that the anxiety was causing me to be "stress paralyzed" (please watch Moms' Night Out--you will loooove it) on a regular basis, I decided to give it a shot.

The other, and more powerful contributor to my ability to make it through the day without wanting to curl up in a ball in the corner and rock, is the gift of time. Time with Him. Jesus, The Lover of my soul. Brendan is in the Early Childhood program and they built a new building over the summer. Due to this new building, Brendan gets on the bus at 7:00 am. This was BEYOND traumatic for me. But, as always, God knew what he was doing, even if I was kicking and screaming. Now, every morning I put Brendan on the bus, and then while the other two kids are still sleeping, I have my quiet time and read my Bible. I sit in the living room, where for now the sun pours in (winter is a-comin') and start my day seeking Him. I haven't had this kind of quality time in so long, I didn't realize how much my soul was craving it. I am filled with peace, and it spills over into the rest of my day. I am much more pleasant to Rori and Liam when they get up in the morning (most days--I'm not perfect, and neither are they ;)  ). I am less stressed about things I have no control over. And honestly, I believe I no longer have a heart of fear. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin (granted I wish there was a little less of it ;) ).

I know that I am not cured of my anxiety, it is probably going to be the thorn in my side that rears its ugly head now and then, but I am thankful for this respite, no matter how long it lasts.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."