Where I am at

Last night I went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. My heart has been breaking for them since I heard the news about their sweet daughter, Maria. I am amazed at how they could go on stage and praise our Lord, just 2 months after their daughter went to be with Jesus. I so admire them and I want their faith...
I have been reading a blog by a woman named Angie that lost her precious baby girl. She found out at her 20 week ultrasound that the baby wouldn't survive and carried her for 3 months before she delivered and held her baby and said goodbye. In the midst of it all, she blogged about her love for Jesus. I so admire her, and I want her faith...
I can see such good things from the loss of their children--crazy to say, but I know that there will be so many more people in Heaven, because they have heard them tell their stories about how they praised their Savior, even in the storm. I have been thinking lately that I haven't seen any ripples from our loss of Faith. How has or will God use my story--her story? Has it made a difference in the Kingdom? I want to see it--I want to make sense of it. Why wasn't I as strong as them? If I had been praising Him during the pregnancy, even after we figured out the outcome, would I be seeing the ripples? Did I fail the trial that God gave me? I was angry with God for a long time. I had a hard time praising Him. I had trusted that He could heal Faith, but I knew that it was His choice not to. I was angry about that. Yet, He told me to name her Faith, and I did. I pray that He will use my Faith to grow my faith.
I know that I don't have the same faith as the Chapman family or Angie, but I know that He will meet me here today--in my dark hour--where I am at.