I hate change. I am pretty sure that anyone who knows me is not surprised by this statement. I feel like Anne of Green Gables when she asks, "Why does everyone have to grow up, marry, and change?" The other day I was going through my old Facebook pages, from when Brendan was born. It felt like a lifetime ago. I saw messages from our old small group--bringing us meals and loving on us, I saw my nephew Noah calling Liam "Baby Bill", I saw Jenna and I experiencing babies together, I saw posts about blow out diapers, kids needing naps, me needing naps, and so many other things that are no longer a part of my daily routine.

So many things have changed since 2009. None of the people who made up our old small group still attend our church. It was a hard adjustment, but we have developed other friendships at church. However, the time with that group is one that I look back on fondly. I don't know if I could've survived the baby stage without those friends--we walked through those trenches together.

I no longer have any kids in diapers! This is not necessarily something I miss, but I miss many of the other things that went with that stage--the snuggles, the tiny fingers and toes, the firsts, the baby laughs, I could go on and on, but Bill would prefer I didn't get my uterus all worked up...

One of my greatest blessings--my friend Leslie, just moved. She moved about 8 minutes away, but she was 2 minutes away, so it causes some change as far as just dropping by. I hate change. People are moving, growing, changing, having big life events.

And now, my friends, the world is continuing to spin. My babies are going back to school tomorrow. My sweet Rori Rose is starting 4th grade. She's in the upper grades of her school. Her body is changing--her face is older, I want it to stop. My Liam James is starting 2nd grade. He is going in with much more confidence than he did first grade. He is changing too--he's all arms and legs and feet. Big feet. And then there's Brendan Rhys. He's starting a new school. He will be riding the bus to school every day because with the other two, I can't take him to school. I hate change.

My life is full. God has blessed us with wonderful friends and family. He has given me grace and a little bit of maturity to deal with all of the change. I miss my babies, but I am immensely proud of the people they are becoming. I just wish it didn't happen so fast. So I will beg the time bandit one more time, please slow down.

Happy 7th Birthday Liam James!

My sweet boy turns 7 today! My firstborn son, the first boy to really capture my heart (Papa was a man when I met him ;) ). It has been quite a year! You started first grade, and God gave you the best teacher for your personality, Miss Stanley. She helped make the transition to all day school much easier. You love to be home and would rather have stayed in half day school :)

You have turned into an excellent reader--you don't enjoy the writing log portion of the reading, but as long as we can find Star Wars or Ninjago books, you are a happy camper. You have also turned into quite the photographer. 80% of the photos of myself that I post on facebook, were taken by you! Somehow, you make me look skinny, pretty, and young. You should start charging for that :)

You started playing soccer, with Papa as your coach. I can't describe how excited I was, watching your first game, thinking of how much you had grown up. It was bittersweet.

You did a mud run this year and I couldn't believe what a difference a year made. Last year, you were tired from running. This year, you took off and left everyone in the dust. I had to sprint to keep up with you and take pictures!

This is when I realized I was going to have to work to keep up with you!

Most of all, I have watched you grow in so many of the qualities that are natural for you. You are a sensitive boy who cares about others. I am often amazed at your generosity--it comes naturally for you. When I say that I would like something--a bite of your cookie, or to play with one of your favorite toys, you are always willing to share. You are a good friend and you make wise choices about who to hang out with. You stand up for what is right. You saw a boy being punched on the playground and you told him to stop, even though it ended up with you being punched. I am so proud of you that my heart feels like it will burst. I wish time would stand still, but fortunately you have promised me that you will live with me forever, I am going to hold you to that!

My Beautiful Mess

This last year I had a bit of a mid-life crisis. I want to write about it because someday Rori may feel the same way and I want her to know that I felt this way at one time and it's ok. Mark Twain said, "Comparison is the death of joy." I know this. I KNOW this, but I can't help it.

One day, I called my mom crying. I felt like my adulthood has been a disappointment to her. I have friends that have beautiful homes, successful careers, or serving the Church in wonderful ways. I feel like I am not enough. I can't keep up with the house work, I went to college and don't use my degree in any way that makes money, I am constantly exhausted, I go from varying stages of out of shape to in shape back to out of shape again, and as far as this raising three kids thing--I don't have a clue what I am doing!

I felt so lost and broken, so not enough, so much a disappointment, and so alone in these thoughts. In so many ways, my life is exactly what I wished for. I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to get to stay home with my babies and raise them. However, I felt like I was failing at that. Things like Facebook and Pinterest show me how all the mommies have their stuff together. Smiling faces, perfect pictures, beautiful homes, and people who are good at doing stuff, people who have talents and are using them in their every day lives. They are all so confident and I felt like they were all rubbing my nose in it. I told myself, "look how organized they are, look how well they are doing this mom thing, look how creative they are, look how talented, how gifted, etc." "Look at yourself, your house is disorganized, you are never going to be able to afford to move, you haven't showered in two days (it actually may be three days), you start things and never finish them, your kids don't like reading, they don't appreciate you, your job doesn't matter, you need some new clothes, and oh yeah, your love handles are getting a little squishy." Most pictures of me, taken during the winter, have me in my winter uniform. That's an Old Navy hoodie with a superhero t-shirt under it. I actually own two Old Navy hoodies. They are exactly the same, except I wrote a number 1 and a number 2 inside of them so that I remember which one needs to be washed. My fashion status has plummeted.

Shortly after these feelings were swirling in my head, my dear friend Leslie, whom God has already used in my life more times than I can count, took me to an early screening of Mom's Night Out. I felt like it should've been called "Mom's Night Out, a movie about Jaime" I imagine very few people would see it with that title though. Basically, the main character says that she is feeling exactly the way I told my mom that I was feeling. An ex-con tattoo artist ends up asking her who she's not enough for. It turns out, she feels she's not enough for herself. He tells her that God made her to just be. To be who He made her to be and not someone else. She learns that while she is a mess, she's a beautiful mess, His masterpiece. 

And this is true. I may be flailing about though this motherhood thing, though this wife thing, through this whole grown-up thing. But I am who I am. I am who God made me to be. I am the wife to Bill, mom to Rori, Liam, and Brendan and that is enough. It's who God wants me to be right now. I wouldn't change that for a bigger house, a wildly successful career, a housekeeper, THREE Old Navy hoodies, or anything else imaginable. 

So, my dear Rori, if you ever feel this way as a Mama, know that you are exactly who God made you to be. Don't miss out on the beautiful moments of today because you are focusing on the messy ones. Being a mom is hard and messy and scary and challenging, it's also beautiful, and amazing, and so very very worth it. I am enough, you are enough, and until you realize that, you can't experience the great JOY that is in the life God has given you. 

Old Sweatpants

I decided to not blog during our Advent activities this year. It was part of my attempt at keeping things simple, sacred, and sane. I feel pretty confident that I did as well as I could this year, and will strive to do even better next year. I may do a wrap up post at some point because I took pictures and I will need to remember what we did so I can do it all again next year :)

I also chose not to do at tenth birthday post for Faith. I have been wanting to take pressure off of myself this year. I feel under almost constant pressure to make everyone happy, do the right thing, be strong, etc. It got to the point that a few times last year I was experiencing heart palpitations. So, I decided that if a post didn't come to mind, I wasn't going to force it and pressure myself into something deep and meaningful. That's not to say that I didn't think of her. Honestly, I think of her all the time. And ten years is a big birthday. I hate that our world is broken, that DNA is broken, that humans are broken and that I have not had her with me for the last ten years. But God is good. He is good yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That is the hope that I will cling to for the rest of my days.

Anywhoo--this is becoming much longer than I had planned and I haven't even gotten started :) Bill and I watch the show "Men at Work." It's on TBS and we think it's hysterical. It's probably totally inappropriate, but whatever. Anyway, last week, one of the characters told another character that her relationship with her boyfriend was like an old pair of sweatpants. He meant that they go together well and are really comfortable. She took this as a bad thing and when her boyfriend proposed, she broke up with him.

This winter has been rough--and it's not even February yet. It's been the winter of vomits--in my case I felt that my insides were now on my outside, and that I may have to die to get better. I was so exhausted and dehydrated that when I got an ice cube and dropped it on the carpet, I almost ignored the cat hair, dog hair, carpet fuzz and Captain America sticker stuck to it instead of going all the way back to the kitchen to get another. Almost. To say that it's been cold is an understatement. I'm pretty sure that my kids will be going to school until Fall. I have fed my children 14 times today and was interrupted at least 5 times, for emergencies, during my shower today. There were all kinds of emergencies--"can I have a popsicle?" "Can you open my popsicle?" "Can you find my DVD?" etc. Let's say I am ready for Spring.

Sunday night Bill came home from basketball. We watched some shows, talked for a while and he rubbed my feet. He could tell I was getting drowsy and ready to go up to bed. He said to me "I am starving, but I'm scared if I get up you will go to bed." For some reason that sentence meant the world to me. He enjoyed my company (drowsy as it was) so much that he was willing to skip his after basketball snack. There is really nothing like an old pair of sweatpants. I can do the vomits, the interruptions, the whining, the cold, as long as I have my old pair of sweatpants, and there is nothing boring about that!

Day 2 Soldiers!

Today I got to accomplish both of my Advent goals! Our activity was very simple, but it was also very sweet. It needed to be a relativly quick activity because I wasn't going to be home--I am taking an exercise class at the Park District (hence avoiding the dreaded holiday weight gain!) and it is in the evening. So we thought it would be a great opportunity for the kids to make cards for soldiers. Here is the website where I got the address to mail the cards. It worked out perfectly--the cards should make it to Maryland just in time for the deadline. We did this last year--and I love it because it teaches our kids about the men and women that make sacrifices daily for our country.

When I got home from my class the kids were very excited to show me their cards and Bill forgot to take pictures during, so I took some when I got home. You will never be able to tell which child of mine is the biggest ham...

Anyway, yay for simple and sane activities! (and burning some calories!)

So It Begins...Advent Day 1

My goals for this Advent Season are twofold. I want to keep our activities simple and sane so we can focus on the sacred. And I want to not gain any weight. Let's see which one ends up being more difficult :) This year I made the mistake of suggesting to Bill that we not do Advent activities because they tend to lead me to exhaustion and someone ends up crying and then I end up yelling something along the lines of, "WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOCUSING ON JESUS AND BE LOVING AND KIND TO EACH OTHER!" Truly sacred, ay? Somehow Bill and the kids don't remember the Advent Activities in the same way that I do and I was met with cries of "we have to do it! We love it! We won't whine, I promise!" And those were just from Bill :)  So I agreed, but I told Bill I wanted to try and make it more simple so that we could keep the focus on waiting for Jesus. And so I didn't lose my mind--I have very few airplane xanax left!

Anyway, so the movie Frozen came out recently and Grandma Casey asked if she could take the kids to see it. We suggested making it the first Advent activity. I had an internal war with myself--I really wanted to see the movie too but I didn't want to infringe on Grandma's time, but she was very gracious and said that we could come too! It was really cute and we all really enjoyed it, although Rori was starting to get really angry about the ridiculous number of previews beforehand. She is the opposite of Bill in this manner!

Anyway, it was a very lovely time and a great start to the Advent Season! Thank you Grandma Casey for a great day!

Please don't judge the quality of the photo. I am just happy my phone has a camera with a flash...Blame the movie theater--they should've put Olaf in the crazy well lit lobby.

He is coming!

It's the week before Thanksgiving. Christmas is right around the corner, and it's time for me to begin planning our family's Advent season. This morning, before school, I was telling Liam how many days of school are left before Thanksgiving break. Then I told him it will be Advent! He asked "what is Advent?" This gave me pause. He's six, so he hasn't heard the word thrown around by itself--only with the terms Advent Calendar and Advent Activities. So, I explained, Advent is us waiting. We are waiting for Jesus to be born. Waiting for Him to come to save the world. He looked at me and smiled and scampered off.

"I don't want a Christmas you can buy. I don't want a Christmas you can make. What I want is a Christmas you can hold. A Christmas that holds me, makes me, revives me. I want a Christmas that whispers, Jesus" Ann Voskamp

Yes. This. This is what I want for our Advent season. I want our actions to whisper His name, to get us excited that He is coming. Bill and I talked about buying a Wii U for the boys and for Bill for Christmas this year. For our family, that kind of gift is considered fairly extravagant. We figured out a way to get the extra money without it causing a burden to our budget. Yet, I felt unease. Please don't misunderstand me, I think it's fine to buy extravagant gifts at Christmas. Last year, my goal was to blow Bill's mind with presents because gifts are his love language. However, I don't think Christmas needs to focus on outdoing the previous year. We decided now is not the time to give them this present. Instead, now is the time to teach my munchkins the joy of giving--the character building of waiting for something, saving for it, wanting it. I want to teach them about the opportunity to be counter-cultural. More than anything, I want them to be waiting for Jesus.

Stay tuned for the beginning of Advent!